Bittersweet panic

I can feel the pain

I’m trying to open my eyes

I cannot see

I’m surrounded by total darkness.

Distress takes over

I am trying to move

But something is restraining me

I open my mouth to scream, no sound.

Bittersweet panic starts in my heart

Moving along with my blood

I can feel it flowing, pounding

Hot, salty tears start streaming down my face

I can hear their footsteps

Hear their pain they’re reflecting on to me

I take a moment, calm myself

Concentrate, concentrate.

A gentle push, a soft touch,

Something is here with me

Trying to free me from my prison

Trying to release me from Hell.

The moment my feet touch the ground

I remember the cause of the pain I endure

Your carelessness, your coldness

When you told me.

The ground collapsed under me,

Anger took over my control,

I spit out the words I never meant to say

And told you I never loved you.

My misery now is nothing compared to what I’ve done to you

You, the one I would never want to miss

My heart, my soul, my smile

All of me disappeared when you left.

I want to go back,

Go back to you and not lay here in stead,

Call you, write you, give you back my heart

Make you believe that I do, love you

But I can’t, I don’t even dare to do that

You’re so close, so far, stuck in my head

My arms ache for your embrace

My body yearns for your touch

I’m lost, lost in my thoughts,

Lost in my misery, and I hear their footsteps coming closer

I expect the worst and prepare for the pain

Take a deep breath

And suddenly your arms are around my

I feel their warmth, I feel you kissing me

Frozen by surprise I turn my head, smile

“I love you”, you said, I nodded, and said it back

Simple kindness

Love is like water,

a gentle river flowing through mountains,

like a waterfall falling from high cliffs,

undefined beauty, pride.

It's scared to wade through the water,

Afraid to fall and slip, it takes a while to be able to swim,

The fear of drowning present with every step,

Getting used to the cold.

And then you slip, not knowing what to do,

paranoia, death, you regret your first steps,

Until you notice that you're floating,

a thousand invisible arms lift you up.

You get comfortable in the water.

You feel that moving your arms and legs simultaneously

make you float easily, make you move forward,

faster, faster.

You're enjoying the water, enjoying it's temperature,

Enjoying the feeling of those thousand hands,

helping you move forward, 

gently moving along the flow.

But the waterfall gets closer.

You don't know what to do, you get scared,

before you know it you're falling..

Falling.. and then you're miles deep under the surface.

And once again you feel you're drowning,

regret your decision to swim, to enjoy this envious water,

Cry, scream, but only bubbles leave your mouth and body,

Until the thousand hands pick you up again.

And you're back. You can breathe, you're still alive,

the water feels even better, as if it's apologizing for it's roughness,

You smile, laugh, cry, you're happy again,

And the water is your best friend again.

You swim again, with confidence,

You go faster, but take it slow this time, prepared for the unknown,

The fish are your friends, supporting you, helping you,

and the water?

The water is your love, it's flowing with you, 

will never lose you out of it's sight,

But you're not swimming, nor surrounded by water,

It's simple kindness; it's love.

An emotion so pure, so dangerous,

You'll stumble, you'll fall, you'll be naive, 

But whatever happens, the one you love,

will pick you up, help you, love you.

And I do, love you. 

 - written for my immortal beloved.

CRSS by HRH. 

Creatures of the night

The night demands us to recollect our broken memories,
Our haunted dreams and our passionate nightmares,
Whilst we whisper in the dark "who is there?" at the slightest sound,
Waiting for faith to slowly murder us in silence.

But never did they count on you to wake up,
Nor did they count on you to open your eyes,
And they're banned in a forbidden space in your memories,
Bound to be forgotten, bound to be gone.

Now your biggest fear has gone,
Hiding in in the darkest places somewhere in your mind,
Waiting for you to close your eyes,
Waiting for you to return.

And yes, they will be waiting.
Waiting for the first of many opportunities,
To take over your sense and soul,
Ready to rule over the kingdom of your body.

The breaking of dawn makes us remember our fears,
Ready to face them in the first streaks of heavenly light,
Warming, heating, waking our souls,
Ready to resist.

But beware, when you close your eyes again,
They will be back. They have time.
They will rule your night, dusk, dawn,
The creatures of the night.

War

I held her head against mine,

Our foreheads touching, staring in her eyes

As my hand lay in her neck, keeping her close

Swallowing back tears, trying to look confident.

I told her not to worry, that I would come back, I promised,

To come and safe her from all that there's to come,

Told her that I loved her, would always be by her side

And I kissed her, one last time.

The whistle blew, telling me I had to go,

Both trying not to cry, but instead smile

Pretending that all is going to be alright,

Whilst we both know that that is a perfect lie.

I returned to my seat, bags at my feet,

The woman next to me smiled warmly 

I smiled back, turned my head towards the window

Tears streaming down my face.

My heart opened itself and emotion came pouring out,

Shattered into a thousand pieces, I tried to forget her,

Forget her touch, warmth, embrace, kiss,

But she was burnt into my heart.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months 

And every moment she was in my thoughts,

The battle would continue, wars raged on as I fell, 

landed on grass, the white light came to get me, I was dead.

I thought heaven would be different, maybe because I'm no woman of god

I ended in a painful hell of waking and sleeping, as I heard their whispers,

And I screamed out her name, I promised I'd come back,

The pain in my heart grew bigger as I continued in my silent death.

I was awake longer and whispers turned into voices

I could hear them walk, and I realised that I wasn't in hell nor heaven,

As on one day my hearing fully returned and heard

The sound of her voice echoing through my head.

I was ready to open my eyes, and so I did,

It was hard adjusting to the light, brightly shining

I moved my hands, stiff from their long rest

Felt the warmth and weight of another hand holding me

And there she was, tears of happiness streaming down our faces,

I apologised for not keeping my promise, worried she wouldn't forgive me,

But instead she leaned over, cupped my chin

And kissed me. 

New York

I want to see the snowfall in New York

An ever so bright city turning silently white

Like a virgin, nature toying with the city, powerful,

Collapsing under the innocence of the white flakes, falling down.

I want to feel the snowfall in New York

The city that never sleeps taking a deserved rest

Children, adults playing on the streets that

Once were so dangerous and cruel, killing softly.

I want to hear the snowfall in New York

The sounds that were once present

Sounds that slowly mute and disappear,

We, us, let alone in the innocence of silence.

And then we smile

Smile like we never did, because we are free

Laugh like we never did before, no one to care

And the snow keeps falling

Covering up the buildings, streets,

Trees, pavements, cars

And you hear the snowflakes, one by one,

Falling down, seconds, hours, days.

Nature’s purest gift of serenity

Uniting days, uniting you, me

Enemies become allies, friends become family

I want to see the snowfall in New York.

 - 27.11.2013

Home

The wind rages, consumes,

Taking everything on his path

And the rain pours, screams,

Bullets of heavenly water tearing down our street

And the thunder, mighty god of Thor,

The thunder roars and cracks against the almighty,

While clouds collide and collapse, sparkle,

Creating a static atmosphere to rest in

Rain turns into snow, white flocks of satin,

Whispering from the dark skies upon our door

Water turns into a lustrous layer of dark mystery,

Covering up all the fluids left in the night.

As I rush home, enter our door

Take off the coat that protected me from the storm,

Take off my woollen scarf and my wet gloves

Shudder, kick off my boots and enter

There you are, waiting for me, anxious for my return

My red cheeks reddening even more,

Take a few steps towards you, dying to keep you close

And forget all the rage of the forgotten world outside

And I hold you in my arms

And you’re warm

Cradle my head in your warm neck

‘Welcome home, love’, and you kiss me

And my world is on fire,

My burning heart bouncing happily for my return

Warming me with every single beat, and I smile

Blinds closed, fire on, together, home. 

If only

If only you could say
what the hell you want to say,
and get the hell out





and never look back.